When connection feels out of reach
When Connection Feels Out of Reach
“Start where you are not where you wish you were.” – Ram Dass
How can we stay open when a team member’s behavior feels closed off?
A new senior leader recently shared an experience that many leaders quietly face. They’d just joined an organization and learned that one of their team members had also applied for the same role. Obviously, that team member didn’t get the position, however they remain on the team, distant and guarded. They’ve made it clear they don’t need direction or support. They show up, do their job, and keep to themselves. They’ve even asked the leader not to say “thank you” in response to emails they’ve sent to them with helpful information.
Understandably, the leader is left wondering: Is this personal? And how do I lead someone who doesn’t seem to want to be led?
In Understood, I explore how our need to feel seen and valued runs deep, and how often, unspoken hurt or disappointment can lead people to retreat into control, detachment, or even quiet defiance. Yet, what looks like obstinance may be self-protection.
While leaders can’t force connection, they can respond in ways that make it safer for it to emerge.
Here’s are a few ideas to consider:
Don’t rush rapport. Relational trust builds slowly. Offer steady presence, not pressure. In time, respectful space can speak louder than eager outreach.
Practice quiet consistency.
Stay consistent in your professionalism, fairness, and approach. This reliability can rebuild psychological safety over time, even when words fall short.Be patient.
Just because someone isn’t warming up doesn’t mean your efforts aren’t working. Some people need time to observe before engaging.Foster clarity.
Set expectations and name what’s needed for the team to function well. Clarity isn’t control, it’s a quiet act of mutual respect.
Research shows that being passed over for a job and/or promotion can trigger feelings of loss, diminished status, and uncertainty about one’s place. Knowing this can help leaders shift from frustration to understanding.
Remember, respect and connection aren’t always immediate however, they can be cultivated, one intentional step at a time.
‘UNDERSTOOD: The Greatest Human Need and the Key to Engagement’
AVAILABLE NOW!
MARIA’S 2025 WORKSHOPS
Foster greater understanding and workplace engagement through this series of new workshops. Learn more about them by clicking on the titles below:
If you’d like to get one or more of these in your team or Board’s calendar, let’s connect.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPLORE…
why we struggle to understand others
the roots and impacts of misunderstanding
the art of understanding others
strategies to foster understanding and advance engagement
Sign up below to have the UNDERSTOOD video mini-series sent directly to your inbox.
READY TO ELEVATE YOUR WORKPLACE ENGAGEMENT?
Let’s talk about how I can help you elevate engagement and drive organizational performance, so that you can move beyond chasing engagement metrics and start leading them!
Let’s Make Space for What’s Possible
Feeling a little stuck? Second-guessing your next move? Wondering if there’s more to this whole leadership thing than meetings and mental gymnastics? (Spoiler: there is.)
Whether you’re leading a team or leading yourself through change, coaching can help you untangle the noise and reconnect with what really matters.
I offer individual and group coaching for leaders who want to grow with more clarity, confidence, and a whole lot more understanding.
Curious? Let’s talk—I’d love to walk alongside you.