Holding Accountability and Empathy Together

“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” - Alfred Adler

What if accountability and empathy weren’t in conflict, but in conversation?

Many of us were taught that accountability requires firmness, while empathy calls for softness. That one means holding the line, and the other letting go. It’s easy to feel like we’re choosing between being supportive and being clear.

Yet research and lived experience suggest something different: accountability and empathy are both relational skills, and they reinforce each other.

The Nonviolent Communication framework, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a way through. By moving conversations from blame to understanding, from outcome to experience, it helps shift our questions from “What went wrong?” to “What do we each need to move forward well?” It’s a framework grounded in four elements: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. And when used well, it gives us the structure to name impact without losing connection.

One leader I worked with recently saw this shift first-hand. Frustrated by repeated missed deadlines and ignored emails, she realised her conversations were jumping to outcomes without creating shared understanding. In their next meeting, she began with: “Help me see what’s happening from your side, so we can figure out what’s needed together.” It wasn’t an excuse. It was a turning point. They clarified expectations, named supports, and agreed on next steps.

So, what could this look like? 

You might try:

• Leading with curiosity
  Instead of starting with the issue, ask: “What are you noticing?” or “What feels unclear from your side?” Safety increases ownership.

• Naming the impact
  Try: “Here’s how this is affecting the team, and I want us to find a way through together.” This keeps purpose in focus.

• Co-creating the next step
  Ask: “What support would help this go differently next time?”

Shared ownership builds follow-through.

Empathy doesn’t dilute accountability, it makes it more sustainable. With the right tools, we don’t have to choose between connection and clarity. We can offer both.

With understanding, 

Maria